Learning Resilience
I’m not a naturally resilient person. As a highly sensitive and somewhat shy person, I tend to like a quiet, ordered environment. I don’t do well with sudden transitions, and change is jolting for me. But the last year or so, life enrolled me in resilience boot camp. Navigating changes both big and small, learning resilience wasn’t an option. It’s been overwhelming, and I’ve had no shortage of anxiety. I’m slowly learning to let go of my ideas, plans and expectations, and go with the flow instead. It hasn’t been easy…but I know this boot camp is making me stronger and I’m grateful. Because I know that life will keep throwing changes at me, and I want to be able to navigate them well. I want to live a life of joy and peace, rather than anxiety. To learn to trust, even when I’m out of control. How? By learning resilience.
Softer = Stronger
What do you think of when you hear the word ‘resilience’? Here is what I found when I googled the definition: 1. the capacity to withstand or to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness. 2. the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.
Which of these two definitions resonate with you? I find the first definition to be common, but the second is an often-overlooked. Resilience means softer equals stronger. But I wonder if we value resistance more than resilience.
Resilience or Resistance?
On the surface, resistance and resilience may appear the same. Both involve getting back up after a fall or persevering through a struggle. But under the surface, resistance hardens our souls and numbs our emotions. Like a hero in an action movie who keeps running after receiving multiple gunshots, resistance keeps going by denying reality. Stuffing our emotions. Trying to escape difficult feelings and truths by self-medicating with substances such as food, or distracting ourselves with entertainment or behaviour: scrolling and binging on social media, or staying busy with an over-full schedule…you can fill in the blank with other examples. When we operate in resistance, we may appear strong, when in reality we are brittle. Resistance’s symptoms may not be obvious at first: bitterness, cynicism, negativity, critical and judgmental thoughts festering beneath the surface of our lives, slowly poisoning our outlook on life and our relationships.
On the other hand, resilience’s strength works from the inside out. Instead of trying to change or resist the external things, resilience is the quiet underground strength that deepens our roots and anchors us to a source of strength deep within. Like a tree that weathers decades of storms, not by resisting the wind but by allowing itself to bend, resilience is an inner softness inside that enables us stay flexible so we can keep thrive and grow season after season.
Building Resilience
In my experience, building resilience rather than resistance is about changing the way I think. Instead of resisting or repressing my circumstances, I work on my internal view. I can’t change what’s happening in the world, and I can’t change other people. But what I can do is decide who I want to be. This has been a powerful revelation and personal challenge for me these last several years. No matter what people do, or what life throws at me, I get to decide how to respond. This shift takes me from being a victim to empowerment. My favourite quote from the Spider-man film is “With great power comes great responsibility.” Well…with great responsibility also comes great power! It’s not easy…but it’s very freeing. So I’m learning to take responsibility for as much as I can – observing my reactions to people and circumstances without judgment, so I can choose my response instead of reacting. It’s hard work, but I’m learning to look for the light – in both circumstances and people.
Photo by John Arano on Unsplash
Get Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable
There is another kind of resistance that we do need in order to build resilience. Outer resistance, rather than our own inner resistance, is the only way to grow. I hate to admit it… but without the stress of last year, I wouldn’t be who I am this year. Learning resilience can’t happen if we stay comfortable. As Jillian Michaels says in one of my workout videos: “We have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.” In order to build muscle, we have to push past our present level of strength. It’s hard work – and it hurts, because as we work out, the muscle fibres actually tear. But as they heal, our muscles rebuild themselves bigger and stronger. Similarly, wrestling through the anxiety of the past year wasn’t fun. But in time the tears in my soul have healed and my soul has grown stronger.
StormChasing
I’m not a storm chaser! In fact, I’m the first to run to the basement during severe thunderstorms! And the same is true in my life. I’d love to stay sheltered in a bubble where I can’t get hurt. But I know that storms will come. And learning resilience is the way I can prepare for them. I want to be like a tree that learns to bend in the storm, not only for my own survival, but also so I can be a shelter for others when they are going through a storm.
I’ve only started learning resilience. But here’s what I know so far: Without wind, our roots will stay shallow and weak. And if we don’t learn to bend, we will break. We can’t stop the storms. But learning resilience can help us find the beauty hidden within the storms. Because it’s not the storms that shape or break us. It’s how we weather them that defines us.
